Art of Gathering

When we gather, we often make the mistake of conflating category with purpose.⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 1)

Many of the ritualized gatherings in our more intimate spheres–weddings, bar mitzvahs, graduation ceremonies–have been repeated over time such that we become emotionally attached to the form long after it accurately reflects the values or belief systems of the people participating in it.⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 1)

Specificity is a crucial ingredient. The more focused and particular a gathering is, the more narrowly it frames itself and the more passion it arouses.⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 1)

A disputable purpose, on the other hand, begins to be a decision filter. If you commit to a purpose of your wedding as a ceremonial repayment of your parents for all they have done for you as you set off to build your own family, that is disputable, and it will immediately help you make choices.⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 1)

a phrase the sixteenth-century Japanese tea master Sen no Rikyū taught his students to keep in the front of their minds as they conduct the ceremony: Ichi-go ichi-e. The master told me it roughly translates to “one meeting, one moment in your life that will never happen again.” She explained further: “We could meet again, but you have to praise this moment because in one year, we’ll have a new experience, and we will be different people and will be bringing new experiences with us, because we are also changed.”⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 1)

The guest list is the first test of a robust gathering purpose.⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 2)

The crux of excluding thoughtfully and intentionally is mustering the courage to keep away your Bobs. It is to shift your perception so that you understand that people who aren’t fulfilling the purpose of your gathering are detracting from it, even if they do nothing to detract from it. ^[{-} (Parker 2018, chap. 2)

If you want a lively but inclusive conversation as a core part of your gathering, eight to twelve people is the number you should consider. Smaller than eight, the group can lack diversity in perspective; larger than twelve, it begins to be difficult to give everyone a chance to speak.⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 2)

What many hosts don’t realize is that the choice of venue is one of your most powerful levels over your guests’ behavior. ^[{-} (Parker 2018, chap. 2)

A contained space for a gathering allows people to relax,and it helps create the alternative world that a gathering can, at its best, achieve. … "“If you are on a picnic blanket, you will hang out around your picnic blanket. It’s not because there’s a fence around it; it’s because your picnic blanket is your mental construct.”⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 2)

What [hosts] fail to realize is that this pulling-back, far from purging a gathering of power, creates a vacuum that others can fill. Those others are likely to exercise power in a manner inconsistent with your gathering’s purpose.⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 3)

Find the courage to be authoritative in the service of three goals.

The first and perhaps most important use of your authority is the protection of your guests. …

Another vital user of a host’s authority is to temporarily equalize your guests. …

A third use of generous authority is in connecting your guests to one another.⊕ (Parker 2018, chap. 3)