Giving feedback that is easy to listen to
The whole point of feedback is to change someone’s behavior in the future. That only works if you can give it in a form that they can listen to. This is a template I got from the wonderful Manager Tools on how to give feedback in a way that maximizes the chance that your feedback will be heard.
Use the “When you {verb}ed … what happened was …” model
“When you”
- Identify the externally visible past behavior, not mindset or intent.
- You should be so descriptive (or so recent to the event) that they can identify a specific instance of them exhibiting the behavior
- Deliberately force yourself to give feedback about only specific instances and not patterns – it will force you to give feedback that is easier to listen to.
“What happened was”
- Identify impact in the context of the event
- Great feedback uses impact that resonates with the listener, e.g. “the project delivered late” vs “Tim was sad” are valued differently by different people on the team.
Examples
- “When you added an emoji to my slack message, what happened was I felt I was part of a team”
- “When you interrupted me when I was talking about API design in the team meeting, what happened was I stopped offering my perspective during the discussion”
- “When you provided an alternative doc comment in my code review, what happened was it was easy for me to incorporate the change”
Subtle failure modes
“You come off as mean; for example, you interrupted me”
- Providing feedback of the form “pattern example” is especially dangerous, since it can create a story that is hard to recover from. (If the person stops interrupting, are they still mean?).
- Instead, prefer the form “instance consequence,” so it is more clear that changing the behavior will change the effect: “When you interrupted me, you came off as an asshole”
“When you started speaking while I was speaking, what happened was I felt insulted”
- Impact on your emotions is ok, but some words can accidentally ascribe intent (did the person intend to insult you?).
- Instead, prefer words that describe your emotional state (for examples, check out this list): “When you started speaking while I was speaking, what happened was I felt angry”
“When you interrupt me, what happens is I stop speaking”
- Giving feedback in present tense usually is about a pattern and is generally less credible; its easy for someone to say “I didn’t do that” or “I stopped doing that” or “you only notice bad things,” etc.
- Instead, use past tense and prefer feedback about specific examples: “When you interrupted me in the team meeting, what happened is I stopped speaking”.
Get the right context
Manager Tools warns (rightly) that it is very dangerous to give feedback when you can’t be sure the other person knows its coming from a place of love:
- Wait until you have a strong relationship to give feedback.
- Avoid doing it when angry.
- Aim to do it with a laugh and a wry smile on your face.
- Avoid doing it in writing, where people have to infer emotions.
Further reading
- Manager Tools is chock-full of great advice on feedback (and other management duties). I highly recommend starting from the basics and checking out podcasts like The Feedback Model or Improve your feedback with DISC or Event Based Peer Feedback.
- Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marshall B. Rosenberg is a fantastic overview of communicating effectively about emotions.